The 'Bisexuality is a Phase' Narrative

Probably the number one biphobic thing I see on a daily basis, whether I'm minding my own business and happen to hear a debate on sexuality or if I'm on the internet, is that bisexuality is just a phase that people 'grow out of' like it's a pair of children's jeans.  Unfortunately, that kind of sentiment is often reflected in the forms of media we consume.  Usually when I think about these forms of media, I tend to think TV shows just because A Lot Can Happen and you can have an entire episode dedicated to biphobic bullshit, but that isn't to say novels, movies, video games, etc, don't have their fair share of the bi 'phase' trope.

There are two ways to go about this, one more inflammatory than the other.

• Option 1 - character notices someone of the same gender, experiments, identifies as bi, ultimately says that they were straight all along and get in a relationship with someone of the 'opposite' gender.
• Option 2 - character notices someone of the same gender, experiments, identifies as bi, ultimately says that they were gay all along and from then on out are only in relationships with people of the same gender.

I personally call Option 1 "The Experimenting Trope" and Option 2 "The Stepping-Stone Trope".  These don't exactly have to play out as I put up there, but those are usually the main components.  Surprise surprise, TET is viewed as much more offensive than TSST.  Which, okay, you do get gay/lesbian representation, but you're still trampling over other marginalized sexualities to get to that place.

You see it on TV.  For anyone who watched the early seasons of Glee, you got to see Kurt call bisexual people 'gay people with a foot in the closet'.  There was a movie called Kissing Jessica Stein, which I've seen a lot of people say that Jessica was 'actually straight the whole time' when in reality nothing is said about her orientation.  

Most importantly though, you see it in real life.  Members of any gender suddenly wonder "are they going to go back to [other gender]?  Do they really like me or is this a phase?"  In a phenomenon that is Most Certainly Not Sexism, bisexual men tend to get criticized for being 'actually gay, why don't you say you're gay, just get out of the closet', while bisexual women tend to get criticized for being 'actually straight, you're just doing this for attention and to show off to your boyfriend' (what boyfriend?)  A lot of the distrust in the monosexual community regarding bisexuality comes from the harmful stereotype that bisexuality is just a phase people go through.

And if you thought you were bi at one time, but have now realized you were gay/straight, that's great! I'm really happy for you.  This is not a criticism towards you, but rather towards the fictional narratives that are spun and the negative connotations that they bring to bisexuality.  However, if you use your own experience or a friend's experience as a justification to discriminate towards bisexuals, know this:  not everyone is like you.  You may have used bisexuality as a stepping-stone or an experimentation, and that's fine, but genuine bisexuals exist who aren't using bisexuality as anything other than how to describe themselves.  You are no longer in the community, ergo you don't get to speak over bisexual voices on bisexual issues.

Ways stop the negativity that the 'bisexual phase' narrative brings is to add more mogai people into stories.  Have many bi people, have gay people, have bi people who used to identify as gay, have gay people who used to bi, have so many different narratives that one doesn't take over as the 'genuine experience'.

Why is Everyone Afraid of the B-Word

And no, it's not the gendered slur.  Bisexual.  Sure, a lot of people say it in everyday conversations, but I can probably count on my hands the amount of times the term 'bisexual' even comes up in any sort of media.  And yes, overall, we are inundated with so much heteronormative crap, but even in books, films, television shows, etc, catered to 'gay and lesbian' audiences have a distinctive lack of an actual bisexual.

If you're bi like me, you can probably relate to seeing a character on screen attracted to men and women, but says vague things like "I don't like defining my sexuality" or "I like what I like" or "labels confine me" as I sit there like, "JUST SAY BISEXUAL".

Such as Piper Chapman, from Orange is the New Black.  She experiences attraction to both men and women, and often this is not shown as a big internal struggle for her.  However, not once has any character said the word bisexual, save her fiance Larry Bloom, who outright scoffs at the idea of it.  Her own words are "What can I say, I like hot people."  If this were one incident, that would be fine, but unfortunately her words echo a lot of the 'representation' bisexual people get.  Labels are often a way that we define ourselves and often become integral parts of our identity, so to see writers everywhere skirt around the label that we chose for ourselves, well.  It's sad.

This bizarre aversion to the b-word prevents a lot of people from seeing it as a valid and respected orientation.  While it's true that there are a good portion of people who don't put labels on themselves or don't feel like defining their sexuality beyond "I like what I like", and those are perfectly normal.  But when those portrayals far outnumber the portrayals of people comfortably saying "I'm bisexual", it causes other people (read: straight and gay people) to think that this is how all bisexual people think and act.

Furthermore, we might veer off from "avoiding the b-word" to "straight up bi erasure" pretty quickly.  Here's an example:  Anyone still a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan?  Willow is regarded as one of the most famous lesbians in pop culture history, and for good reason.  A little problem:  she really should have been written as bisexual.  She experiences crushes with both men and women.  However, the moment she falls in love with another woman, she is only regarded as a lesbian and that's the end of that.

I've been criticized for talking about this before with a gay man who wanted me to know that sometimes gay people are in relationships with people of the opposite sex and that I shouldn't invalidate anyone's sexuality.  That's great.  I'm all for letting people identify how they would like, and I understand due to compulsory heterosexuality, a lot of gay people do enter relationships with people not of their same gender.  However, as in the Buffyverse, it becomes a problem when there is a strict dichotomy between 'gay' and 'straight' with absolutely no room in between the binary.  Later, in Season 8, for people who follow the comic continuation of Buffy, Buffy herself sleeps with another woman, though she denies being anything but straight.  Later in the season, Xander states that she'd "rather change her entire orientation before date him", i.e. become gay.

As a bi woman, it hurts to constantly not see my sexuality represented, or for those people who show signs of being bisexual being gay after all, or just straight going through a phase.  This erasure hurts in the real world -- the less out and proud bisexual fictional characters there are, the less people are willing to acknowledge it as a real sexuality.  Yes, it seems trivial, but you try having a mother who won't accept that you're not straight because she believes bisexuality is a choice while homosexuality isn't, and that nobody who isn't just experimenting says that they are bisexual.  It also helps younger bi children be able to identify how they are feeling.  I didn't come across the word bisexual until I read a fanfiction, and it stayed in my mind long after the actual fic did.  Representation is important, not just for grown women like me, but for the 11 and 12 year-olds who might be confused as I was.

Now of course, another option would be for celebrities to come out with bisexuality -- but they have.  Unfortunately media goes around saying they've 'come out as gay' instead.  And then of course, bisexual celebrities are not obligated to share with the public what they'd rather not.  But more on that in another post.

How to change this?  If you are a writer or a creator of media, consider making a character bisexual.  (And no, I don't mean turning a gay person bisexual.  Please let your works have more than one MOGAI representation.)  Outright say that they are bisexual, and treat them as you would any other character.  Let little bisexual girls and boys be able to see this character and go "I relate to them."  Please, make bisexual characters.

"Everyone's a Little Bi!"

It's probably the phrase I dread most from well-meaning-but-ultimately-very-ignorant straight allies, tied with the notion that all or most homophobic people are 'secretly gay'.

"Everyone's a little bi!"  Used as an innocuous statement to reflect on the fluidity of sexuality, but ultimately harmful to pretty much everyone except for straight people.

See, not everyone is bisexual or biromantic.  There is most certainly fluidity in sexuality, and yes, some people who may identify as some form of monosexual might experience some attraction to some people of genders outside of their usual preference, but what straight people don't seem to realize is that labels and identity are so important for people in the MOGAI community.

The 'everyone is a little bi' or EIALB is usually used against gay people, particularly lesbians.  Because of social norms In No Way Relating To Sexism(TM), society tends to try to convince queer women that they are actually straight all along and like men because that is what they are supposed to do.  That's why bisexual girls are often ridiculed for 'just experimenting' and are often dismissed as straight girls just kissing other girls for their boyfriend or whatever.  Similarly, a lot of lesbophobic people tend to try to convince real life lesbians that they're actually bisexual, and dig up a lot of evidence to support their claim: they dated men before and didn't obviously hate it, they mentioned a guy was attractive, once they looked at a man, etc.  Of course, if they can succeed in convincing a lesbian she's bi, then she can be put in the same hellhole bisexual women get, and then to society, she has officially Become Straight.  EIALB is constantly used to invalidate gay sexuality, and you never see anyone using that to try to convince a straight person that they're actually bi or gay.

Secondly, EIALB hurts actual bisexual people.  By straight allies acting like everyone is a little bi, actual bisexual people's experiences are trivialized.  Biphobia becomes dismiss-able because, hey, everyone experiences that, too.  Or we're just making a big fuss about our sexuality.  And most insidiously, it sends the subtle message "just choose a side because everyone else did", which then forces us (usually) back into the closet or (less usually) identifying as gay when we don't feel it fits.

And then let's not even talk about asexual people who get their identities invalidated, or pansexual people who already deal with tons of people trying to police their identity and call them bi instead of pan.

"Everyone's a little bi!" hurts the majority of the MOGAI community.  Straight allies, if they really mean well, should never use this phrase to try to make people feel better.  Instead, acknowledge the fluidity of sexuality, that sometimes sexuality can change over the years, and that the most important thing to sexuality is that particular person's sexual identity.  Whether you think they might be wrong or not doesn't matter; respect what people have to say about themselves, as they tend to know themselves better than an outsider.

Erase Casual Biphobia from Your Conversations

Most of the time, I find that people don't outright mean to be assholes.  However, the society we grow up in is pretty strictly heteronormative, and views anything outside of heterosexuality as bad and an anomaly when in fact there is nothing wrong with not being straight, and it's perfectly normal, just a little less common.  Unfortunately, even some people within the MOGAI community tend to perpetuate biphobia.  Here are some ways you can stop it:

Don't assume sexuality based on relationship.  If someone is in a relationship, that does not define their sexuality.  Bisexuals are often erased when they enter a relationship:  If they are in a relationship with a person of a different gender, they are perceived as heterosexual; and if they are in a relationship with a person of the same gender, they are perceived as homosexual.  The truth is, they were bisexual when they entered the relationship, and they continue to be bisexual while they are with someone.  The only thing a relationship tells you is that they might be attracted to the gender they're dating.

Might?

Yes, might.  Due to compulsory heterosexuality, many gay people enter relationships with people of different genders.  Some may even marry people of different genders.  Their past relationships don't invalidate their identity, and so you really should never assume someone's sexuality just because of who they are dating.  What a person says they are is what they are.

Don't use gay when you mean same-sex.  You know what I mean.  Gay marriage.  Gay rights.  It's not just gay marriage or gay rights.  Bisexuals often face a lot of the same hardships gay people face, and it's often tiring to see people like me left out.  Bisexuals are a part of the community, and we fight for our rights as well.  Even if you don't want to call it same-sex or you don't want to reclaim the slur 'queer' you can certainly call it lgbt or mogai rights.

Stop with this straight-passing nonsense.  "Bisexuals have straight-passing privilege when they are in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex".  Okay but have you considered that this is what we call "bi erasure"?  Many gay people also have "straight-passing privilege," actually:  closeted gay people, single gay people, gay people who went out without their partner that day, etc.  "Straight-passing" happens because heterosexuality is the norm, but it doesn't mean that those with that "privilege" don't face oppression.  It's ridiculous, stop it.

Don't say you wouldn't date a bisexual person.  Why not?  Why is just dating straight people or gay people your 'preference'? Is it because of stereotypes that we're greedy people who always cheat?  Does the possibility of them dating someone of another gender upset you?  Those are all biphobic thoughts.  Bisexual people are like anyone else in a relationship.  And there are unfaithful straight people and gay people, but for some reason I never see anyone say they wouldn't date a straight or gay person because they cheat.  I've seen people say that now they have to watch out for men and women instead of just one gender.  If you are so paranoid about your partner cheating, that's most likely your problem.

Stop associating us with threesomes or abnormal sexual drive.  I am so very tired of this stereotype, mostly because I'm sex-repulsed.  One time I had a major crush on my best friend, who unfortunately seems to be straight and also had a boyfriend at the time.  However, as I was talking to another friend about them, I mentioned that I liked her boyfriend, because I did and I still do because he's a cool dude and I'm not one for needless jealousy.  Somehow, I ended up having to explain that I wasn't trying to get in a threesome with them.  Unfortunately our capacity for attraction to more than one gender makes others act like we're just horny for everyone.  Listen.  A lot of us don't want threesomes.  A lot of us aren't more sexually active than your average person.  Just because there might be a larger pool of people we might be attracted to doesn't mean we're attracted to all of them, and it certainly doesn't mean we want to have sex with all of them.

Don't put percentages on us.  For one thing, that's weird.  For another, bisexuality is a self-contained orientation.  We are not 'percentage straight and percentage gay'.  We are us.  Now, a bi person might describe themselves with percentages; I know I've done it.  Sometimes we use those to better explain how we might be attracted to people, or the degree to which we might be attracted to certain genders.  Let them do their thing, but if a bisexual person doesn't apply percentages to themselves, don't ask and don't apply them yourself.

People are just plain weird when it comes to bisexuality.  Like I said, I think most people do these things because they just don't know any better, but that doesn't make it okay.  These things, whether done out of intentional malice or innocent ignorance, are still harmful to bisexuals.

The Basics: What is Bisexuality?

Bisexuality, quite simply, is a sexual orientation within the LGBTQIA+, or as I like to call it, MOGAI (Marginalized Orientations, Gender Alignments, and Intersex) community in which someone experiences sexual attraction to more than one gender.

There are around two definitions within the bi community:  Attraction to same and different genders, or attraction to two or more genders.  Either definition is fine to use.

If you're going "But wait, that isn't true, bisexuality means attraction to only men and women/only two genders because bi means 'two'," I am here to ask a few questions.  One, actually.

Do you identify as bisexual or biromantic? No? Well then! Stop telling bisexuals and biromantics what our own labels mean.  You are wrong, and you should sit down and listen to what we have to say.  Those are our definitions.  Stop spreading false information.

There are plenty more sexualities in the polysexual category, and a lot of them have a lot of overlap:

Polysexual is the broadest term, and often acts as an umbrella term for anyone who is attracted to more than one gender.  However, many people choose to use this term as their sexuality for multiple reasons; one might be that they are not attracted to people of the same gender as themselves and may not feel comfortable identifying as bisexual.

Bisexual is very similar to polysexual, but one definition is attraction to same and different genders (which is the definition I personally prefer).  People may prefer this term because it has a much better documented history, it's the most popular polysexual term, they may feel it describes them better than polysexual, etc.

Pansexual is the most specific popular label, and it means attraction to all genders.  That's the most I'd be able to define it because I'm not pan and can't speak for pan people.  From what I've seen, many pansexual people view gender to be very irrelevant in their attraction.

There are many, many, many more sexualities that people are making new terms for, but these are the big three polysexual terms, and are usually good enough to start with.

Don't try to police people's identities.  Someone experiences attraction to all genders but chooses to id as bi?  Don't call them pansexual.  There is a reason they chose the label they chose to identify themselves.  Respect it.  Use the language they use to describe themselves.